I can not begin to tell you how much guilt I carried for years. By holding onto my guilt, I didn’t realize I not only harmed myself, but those around me. Many moons ago, I would tell one of my kids that I was proud of them because they had come so far and thought that statement was a compliment. Instead, they felt I was holding them in the past.
I not only held the child in the past—I held myself there, as well. I would wake up crying at all the things I have done wrong, not only to my kids but to anyone I perceived I had harmed. I even started remembering the things I had done as a young child. That truly was a living hell.
Father Keating once said to me that guilt should only be there for a second or two.
It is just a message that you missed the mark; that the action was out of alignment with who you truly are. Any guilt held more than a couple of seconds is neurotic behavior. Holding on to the amount of guilt I carried was extremely neurotic and showed up constantly. I certainly had no ability to see myself as beautiful.
I also did not realize that guilt helped define what I felt. I felt separated, and alone. I was always on the phone having to talk with anybody. I might have even called the operator if there was no one to talk to. I would always have to be going somewhere or doing something. As long as I was busy, I did not feel the loneliness. At least, that is what I told myself.
I thought of myself as a loving person. Now I see that the intent behind my actions was not always love. I could get rid of my guilt by helping and doing things for others. That was not truly helpful for anyone. Just because someone asks for help does not mean you do what they want. I learned, and am still learning, what the next right thing to do should be. Without the guilt, I can do what is truly helpful.
When I was younger, I was at mass about six days a week. I enjoyed weekday masses more than Sunday Mass. After one Mass, I asked the priest for confession. I told him I missed a Mass the previous Sunday. He told me, that I was in mortal sin and had no right to receive communion in a state of mortal sin; I would be judged harshly.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I cried for a week and went to a different priest and told him what happened. He shook his head and said there was no truth in what the previous priest had told me. Had I understood that guilt was from the ego, I would have just let that first confession go and seen it for what it was: his own condemnation of himself. How much energy I have wasted in my life by condemning myself and accepting the condemnation that others would put on me. I became the scapegoat for others.
How much happier I became as I started the process of undoing guilt. As Jesus said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Here I was a devout Christian and those words did not mean anything to me. I was never meant to carry all those burdens. Who wants to carry all those burdens? They weigh you down, and they weigh down those you love.
I was given a prayer by Mother Charlotte:
“Father, bridge the gap between the love I gave and the love that was needed.”
If I truly understood that prayer, I would have realized that by saying it with intent, I was letting go of guilt and trusting that God had everything covered.
Have a wonderful week. Let that guilt go and live free. Thank you for your time.
Theresa Contaxis 